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Tuesday, February 3, 2015

One-off: Anxiety and Depression

As many of you readers know, I have social anxiety and depression. I'm sure some of you already know the details and all, but I decided that I should talk about it so that you can become more aware of my stand point and also where Cupcake is going and such. As for my depression, I was diagnosed with depression some time ago and may have had it since the sixth grade. However, I have been perfectly fine up until I started college. What happened was, in my opinion, I just wasn't ready for college. I didn't have the energy to keep up with the work that was dumped on me and later didn't even have the energy to stay awake during the classes. The lectures soon became just garbled noise as I tried to stay awake because being in these classrooms felt like they were just draining me of my energy and I feel like a large part of it was the fact that it was an entirely new place and I was surrounded by entirely new people and that the classes were all much larger than I was used to. I feel like my social anxiety started when I was told that I had to be by myself through most of the issues with college and that the work and people just started to get to me. I didn't know anyone, I didn't know what to do or how to get better at college because I know I was doing terribly with my grades and there wasn't much I could do about it. It took a great amount of energy just to keep focused in class as I was slowly starting to lose my grip on my emotions. I feel like it came to a boiling point when during one math class, I just felt myself tearing up and just decided to jot down a list of reasons why I felt like I couldn't do any of this whole college thing anymore and as I wrote them down, the tears just came out like a fire hydrant was torn open in my tear ducts and I had to keep myself quiet or risk interrupting the class and with my building social anxiety that I'm sure really was building, I didn't want to bring any unwanted attention so as I tried not to sob, I packed up my things and excused myself out of the room and went to the rest room to sob, but people came in so I left that room and then decided to just leave the entire building where I dumped my emotions entirely while cars circled around me to go and park in the parking lot, but I didn't care because I wanted to let out my sadness.

It was then that I decided after calming myself down a little bit that I needed my mother. There was nothing else left for me to do that day, I just desperately needed my mother. I needed to tell her about it and I needed help, and badly.  Thus, I skipped the rest of the class and patiently waited for my mother to arrive to drop my brother off while fighting a losing battle with my tears and sadness. Once my mother had arrived, I got into the car and sobbed quietly the entire way back home because she was on the phone at the time and I didn't want to risk her possibly yelling at me or interrupting her call. Once we had arrived, I told her I couldn't go to college anymore, she told me I had just two weeks left of the semester but I just couldn't deal with it anymore so I officially dropped out of college at that point and from then on, I feel like my depression had returned in full force and I officially had social anxiety somewhere down the road while my mom searched around for therapy for me.

Now that I belted all of that out, I have a lump in my throat and tears running down my face, but at the same time, I may have something off of my chest forever. As for the continuation of the main story, I feel like I may have ideas now, but I do not know at the moment because I am currently busy trying to swallow the lump in my throat as this has become quite painful reliving my college time and the intense emotions that spilled over from it.

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